Effects On the Family

Addiction affects the family in a multifaceted manner. In normal situations, families try to take care of each other, especially in times of illness. But what happens when the addict not only refuses our help but appears to go out of their way to hurt and upset us? Most people in this situation will endeavor to try even harder to get the result they want - which is to stop the drinking or using. It's one of life's ironies that the harder they try, the worse it seems to get. Everyone involved is caught in a vicious circle and feels trapped.

In the early stages, the family, especially the person closest to the addict, may not want to believe what they can see is happening. Some normal beliefs come into play:

• 'If I were a better wife, (or husband, son, daughter, mother) they would love me enough to stop drinking/using drugs.'

or...

• 'As a mother, I must have done something wrong to make him/her feel so bad that s/he has to take these drugs.'

or...

• 'I need to work harder, to make sure they do love me and then everything will be OK.'

Blame

Believing they're to blame in some way, family members may become focused on making things better and keeping the family functioning.

The addict, meanwhile, needs to blame someone for their addiction and the family is usually the excuse given. But while the addict is taking all the attention, family members rarely address their own issues. Few can talk about what's really happening - feeling it would be too dangerous, not what they are used to - someone might get angry and leave or worse, it could lead to the family breaking up.

Communication begins to break down and the vicious circle goes round, with all players locked in their own pain while trying to cope.

Socially:Through embarrassment and shame, families may decline invitations, stop inviting friends round, hobbies are ignored and the family becomes gradually more isolated - they're unable to tell anyone what's happening.

Mentally: When someone's been lied to many times, when they're searching for evidence to support their suspicions, when they're the focus of someone else's abuse, they start to wonder if they're going crazy.

Emotionally: Living with a drinking or using addict is like being on a roller coaster - with feelings of anger, frustration, helplessness, confusion, hopelessness, desperation, guilt and shame.

Physically: The stress of being on edge all the time, constantly worrying what the next phone call will bring or what you'll find when you open the door, eventually takes its toll on the body. Family members have more than the average degree of health conditions, such as anxiety, depression, headaches, migraines, digestive disorders and heart problems, often resulting in them having to take medication. It's not unusual to find relatives admitting to occasionally having suicidal feelings.

The family becomes so focused on the behavior of the addict that they're distracted from all but the essential matters. The family has developed its way of coping, which is a dependency in itself - the family members and the addict have set up a dependency culture that's very hard to break.

The family becomes so involved helping the addict that contemplating stopping is as difficult for them as it is for the addict to stop drinking/using drugs. A huge fear of making any changes can build up - and this eventually becomes counterproductive.

No matter how young, children will pick up on tension and react. Usually, believing they're somehow to blame, they may try hard to please, to be good, taking on far too much responsibility for their age, thereby losing their childhood in the process.

Sometimes children become the guardian of the parent whose partner is the addict, protecting mum/dad from the abuse. Unable to express themselves verbally, they may become rebellious, aggressive, play truant and express their distress in ways that can lead to punishment, adding to their confusion

Sometimes children simply shut themselves away, keeping quiet so they don't add to the distress - but they listen and hear - and get frightened by what's happening.

Once parents begin to communicate with each other and the children, and the focus shifts from the addict's using behavior, there's more time and space to address the needs of everyone in the family. Children will normally respond well to the healthier atmosphere.

When relatives finally seek help, they're often told they can do nothing to stop the drinking or using - and in a way this is true. However, with assistance they can face the fear of change and shift their focus from the addict to themselves. They can learn that no one can change or force another person to do something they don't wish to or aren't ready to do.

When one family member stops playing their part in the vicious circle, others eventually have to do so, too. Sometimes it's the addict who faces their fear of change first, and the family initially breathe a sigh of relief. But this feeling often doesn't last unless they're prepared to acknowledge the part they have played and make some changes too.